Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1132

You never hear a woman say, 'Hey, lets go to balls.'

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

[After reading an article on Miles for Kids in an inflight journal] What [President of the Airline] is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?

If it weren’t for my adam’s apple, I’d have no shape at all.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Live every day as if it were your last. Then, the next day, pretend you're a ghost!

I believe, even when I'm doing my standup or my acting or whatever I'm doing, I believe in painting pictures.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back?<br /> My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

I wish black people had a flag they could put into the ground, like when the troops stormed Iwo Jima.

I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.

'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.

You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and PULL UP YOU'RE PANTS!!!

I don’t think I’d have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago [...] I’d have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land [...] With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.