Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1132

"Can you spare some change?" is never a good pick up line.

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

It's a historical thing, up to the 19th century the English hated the French. Then in the 20th century the English started to hate the Germans - as we began to move alphabetically through the map of the world. Now, the year 2000, we are fine with the Germans… but the Hungarians are pissing us off.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

When you have a good time there is no time.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When she is in a good mood it turns blue, but when she is in a bad mood there is a red mark across my forehead.

There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking... And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".

I don't believe that competitions are important.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."