Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1132
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!
Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”
The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.
But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going - "er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. "I can't even see you! Where are you?"
It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
"I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin."
She was wacko. She was an only child, but she still had a sibling rivalry.