Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1134
I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
That’s America for you - a red herring culture, always scared of the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald’s, Marlboro and K Street.
I thought when we elected a black president, we were going to get a black president. You know, BP oil spill is where I want a real black president. I want him in a meeting with the BP CEOs, you know, where he lifts up his shirt so you can see the gun in his pants. That’s - "we’ve got a motherfucking problem here?" Shoot somebody in the foot.
I was sitting next to a young couple with a baby on the plane and I was making the baby laugh the entire flight. Do you know what babies love? Ethnic jokes.
Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar you are so mean! Isn't he kids?", "Yeah Oscar! Your a grouch!", its like "BITCH! I LIVE IN A FUCKING TRASHCAN!"
Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges.
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…retired mermaids.