Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1134
I would think the squad car cop is to the cop on a bike as the sketch artist is to the etch-a-sketch artist.
[On George W. Bush] He does have that weird mixture of born again Christian and stupid that some people mistake for courage and focus.
Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don’t even know I’m saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she’s like, "Oh, I love your show." And I’m like, "You can’t love my show if you can hear."
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
I was like, 'Have you all heard me talk?' You know, nobody's making Seinfeld live in Indiana.
Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
Quite a nasty piece of work. Not the sort of person you'd want to have dinner with.
I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.
I refuse to feel guilty. I feel guilty about too much in my life but not about money. I went through periods when I had nothing, so somebody in my family has to get stinkin' wealthy.
I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?