Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1134

Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.

Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"

Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

The more you want the less you get.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

What good are family values if they are built on hate.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.