Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1135
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly.
One in the morning, you have people waiting for a booth to open at a Waffle House.
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.
If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.
If life begins at conception, but you can be "born again" later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going - "er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. "I can't even see you! Where are you?"