Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1135
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.
For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there.
Founding Fathers didn't worship Jesse James or Al Capone. Protect yourself but gun reform will save murders and suicides in the long run.
It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.
I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.
You might be a redneck if you fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"
I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.
I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"
When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed.
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.