Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1135
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?
Well thank you, I can hardly say I'm an 'eloquent' writer, it's like a third grade reading level.
[When discussing a Florida woman denied a drivers license for refusing to remove her Burka and head covering] You know, I think they should give her the license, but then, it should only be good for flying carpets.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'
Last year, I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not... voluntarily...
What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?
If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.
Any time you can match up anatomically to anything in a smut shop it makes you feel pretty proud.
Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.