Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 114
It would be great when you enter the DMV, someones just hiding there comes out and punches you in the face... Well waiting in line ain't so bad after the punch in the face.
I have no desire to be hip to the latest black slang and do the stereotypical black thing. I was a Richard Pryor fan, and I have used profanity in my act. But when it becomes a whole thing that defines blacks, we're limiting ourselves. The enemy is us.
Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years...
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
We have blacks and whites, Jews and Arabs, Serbs and Croats, and Filipinos and Vietnamese here. At the end of the day, everyone is each other's brother.
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.
Porno is just like any other drug; after a while you start building up a tolerance to it.
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
My cousin Louie, we walk into a bar, and he says, "Dom, I think that waitress knows me." "What do you think she knows, Louie? The fact that your belly came in four steps ahead of you?"
My grandmother, on the stage, has an abortion! Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! My grandfather is the jockey, comes in third and paid $2.80!
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
This is football we're talking about here, which you call bananas and you're reluctant to play it. But you play baseball, the World Series. You've won every year, America's won every year in that. Well done America.