Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 114
Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.
When I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought, "When I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars. I want to have groupies." But my idea of success is different today. For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity and not to give into peer pressure, to try to be something that you're not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. To contribute in some way.
Porno is just like any other drug; after a while you start building up a tolerance to it.
Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.
Three things to think about before you say anything: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now?
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
I saw a door onetime that said “Exit Only.” So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, “I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man.”
When it rains really hard, I like to run stop signs just to make cops get out of their cars. Make them stand there in the rain in a big puddle. <br /> ‘Alright you, know why I stopped you?’<br /> ‘Yeah, know why I ran the sign?’
You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it and you wave a flag celebrating it.
Your request is not unlike your lower intestine, stinky and loaded with danger.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.