Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 115
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet.
I'm gonna get famous. Then when my career starts to flag, I'm gonna go into a three month fucking bender, OK? Coke, and fucking pot, and smack, and fucking booze, and drive over people, and beat up my kids, go into therapy, go into rehab, come outta rehab, be on the cover of People magazine, and go Sorry! I fucked up!
So, I bought a new CD and I was trying to get it open but couldn't with all the layers... I mean plastic and then tape and the tape is like government tape. It says open here... is that sarcasm?, and buy batteries and they are in there with layers and layers of cardboard and then scissors... you need scissors to get into scissors, what if you were buying them for the first time? you wouldn't be able to get them open. Then you try and buy a light bulb and it's this thin thin cardboard... what are they thinking? "Oh, they'll be fine."
Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.
People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.
I think it's weird that one group took refracted light. Pretty greedy, gays.
Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' I said: 'that's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.'
They're not very good at naming Popes as well. They had a run of Piuses, it went like Hollywood, they had Pope Pius the first, the second, Pope Pius the third "The revenge of Pope Pius". Pope Pius the fourth, "This time he's pissed off." Pope Pius the fifth in 3D!
The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? "Hey you look... great?"
Hollywood people are filled with guilt: white guilt, liberal guilt, money guilt. They feel bad that they're so rich, they feel they don't work that much for all that money - and they don't, for the amount of money they make.
When I was a kid, Dunkin' Donuts had two things: coffee and donuts, and that was it! You took the donut, dunked it in the coffee, thus the fucking title of the place!