Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 113

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?

If the terrorists hated freedom, the Netherlands would be fucking dust.

Some people even think I wear a wig. Do they think I went into a salon one day and said, "Can you please screw this up really bad?"

My grandmother, on the stage, has an abortion! Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! My grandfather is the jockey, comes in third and paid $2.80!

The war is over. The Nerds have won. This was no accident.

Is it warm in here? I'm sweating like a pimp with one ho.

Porno is just like any other drug; after a while you start building up a tolerance to it.

Where can I find a Big Bird t-shirt, a disco ball and a 14-inch dildo? Spencer’s Gifts.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

The food here is so tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch and it wouldn't remind you of anything.

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company can't explain in one sentence what it does, it's illegal.

I praticed making faces in the mirror and it would drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going to see the devil if I kept looking in the mirror. That fascinated me even more, of course.