Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 113
Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it’s right for you.
The worst television is MTV. 'Music Television' - they call it that, they don't even play music. How's that legal? What if everybody did that? 'Hey, thanks for calling New York Pizza.' 'Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.' 'Oh, we don't sell pizza.' 'What?' 'No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call a book store if you're hungry.'
And we certainly don't have full conversations on cellphones. You know? Usually the reception is so bad, but it's only bad on your side. The person talking to you has no clue. They're just rambling on and on. You've got your finger jammed in your ear, you're shushing people on the streets. You're ducked behind a dumpster so you can hear about your friend's new hair cut. "What about the bangs are they shorter?! Are the bangs shorter?! The bangs!"
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Other animals could have secret talents, like tigers might be good with banjos.
I don't like the fact that people think Latinos wont vote for an African-American. It's bullshit. Were going to vote for the right person who can restore faith and hope in this country. Latinos feel disenfranchised. Obama's dream is our dream.
She's stirring the Yankee Bean Soup – which will cause many absences in the afternoon. It's government surplus, stuff that India rejected, and sent back. Powdered eggs, khaki fish – forget it.
So I try not to look too far into the future because I think that everything happens and will happen for a reason.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.
Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.
If the terrorists hated freedom, the Netherlands would be fucking dust.