Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1144
You young people with your twittering and your creating of content. Or what is it - queefing? I don't know what you young people are calling it.
Being sober for 18 years, now when I take prescribed medicine I pray for hip, side effects.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!
They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.
Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.
To a heckler: "I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight."
Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”
According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair?