Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1144

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

Today is the last day of the beginning of my life.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When she is in a good mood it turns blue, but when she is in a bad mood there is a red mark across my forehead.

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

You might be a redneck if someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism; that all civilizations are just different. No! Not always. Sometimes things are better! Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy; equality of the sexes, better; protection of minorities, better; free speech, better; free elections, better; free appliances with large purchases, better! Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

She just gave blood and she's still got enough to fill up her face.

If birds are attracted to your beard, you might be a redneck.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

It's go time! And by "go" I mean "go sit down".