Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1144
My grandparents had a satellite dish. They were the first ones, like, in 1961. It was like a Jewish one: it picked up problems from other families.
I have lowered my expectations, sexually. I don't care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don't make any grammatical errors.
When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face [A-Team]. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.
You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and PULL UP YOU'RE PANTS!!!
The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner.
Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.
I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.
Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.
What men say: "I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong." What men think: "I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one."
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".