Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1144

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It's the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner.

Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

I used to hate these haters, now its just the opposite

Sorry sweety, you're not going to make the cut. You're just not unhealthy enough for me.

I change the situation like I’m auditioning for Jersey Shore.

I went to penitentiary one time, not me personally, but me and Gene went there for a movie. "Arizona State Penitentiary" Population: 80 percent black people. But there are no black people in Arizona, they have to bus motherfuckers in!

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

Your children can’t do shit, they can’t drink, they cant smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work, they can’t fuck for god’s sake! And you wonder why your teenager’s such an asshole... it’s cuz he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let him do anything else!

Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.

First of all, I'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.

For men there are costumes like "fireman," "policeman" and "vampire." For women there are costumes like "slutty fireman," "slutty policeman" and "slutty vampire."