Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1143

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

I've never said flange to a monkey!

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

If life begins at conception, but you can be "born again" later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'.

[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…retired mermaids.

Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?

In 20 years of comedy, I’ve probably had a dozen good points.

It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

You got kids, and you want to pre-board an airplane? No. Fuck you. You wait till last. You're the problem. Let the homo pre-board.

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

My grandparents had a satellite dish. They were the first ones, like, in 1961. It was like a Jewish one: it picked up problems from other families.