Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1145
I know the fashion is that everything is fair game for comedy material but I don't believe that.
I just broke up with a guy… it’s hard breaking up with them, ‘cause you have to be like, “Listen, you’ve run out of money.”
You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.
A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.
Sarah Palin HAS to be Latina: she has a job and her husband don't work. She's gonna be a grandma, and has an infant-she's Latina.
Don't you get it? Someone has to save all the other cable boys and girls, someone has to kill the babysitter.
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"
How many kids do you have? Two. Don't have any more. That's the highest acceptable point... from now on take it in the ass.
It don’t take no scientist to tell who gonna have fucked up kids. If the kid calls his grandmomma mommy and his momma Pam, he going to jail.