Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1145
We have many things in common, the greatest of which is that we are both afraid of the children.
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.
The only way I can get Fang out of bed in the morning is to wear a black dress and a veil, and sit on the edge of his bed and cry.
If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 pm to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch.
Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."
You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when your kids were born.