Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1145
You might be a redneck if your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips… but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
I wish his [Frank Ocean] music came out of the closet and admit that it sucks.
If life begins at conception, but you can be "born again" later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!
I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.
But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going - "er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. "I can't even see you! Where are you?"
Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" till the day I die.
"As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye."
Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back?<br /> My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.
When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face [A-Team]. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.