Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1187
I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.
C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.
If you've never had a colonic, imagine getting butt raped by a melting snowman. If you have had a colonic, are you sure it was a colonic?
After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
You might be a redneck if you can spit without opening your mouth.
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors’. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.