Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1187

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.

The average man thinks about sex every... What were we talking about?

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.

You might be a redneck if you can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

You might be a redneck if none of your shirts cover your stomach.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can’t pelt them with poop.

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

You might be a redneck if... your child's first words are 'Attention K-Mart shoppers!'

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.