Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1188

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

You can’t teach an old hater new truths.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy.

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

Of course, I couldn't tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They's kill me with sticks. "Why are we killing him with sticks?" "I don't know... he said a word we didn't understand... and he won at Scrabble with it..."