Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1188
You might be a redneck if you can spit without opening your mouth.
I just always loved comedy and I really wanted to be good at it. And it was heartbreaking, 'cause I started and I wasn't good at it. I was only 17-years-old, so I had a lot to learn about life in general. But I just kept on trying. I was young enough and stupid enough and I had no other choice. I had nothing else I was good at.
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors’. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
You might be a redneck if you can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
I used to temp. I called a temp agency once. They were like, “Do you have any phone skills?”<br /> I was like, “I called you, didn’t I?”
Many in the Senate and the Congress care more about their jobs on a watered-down bill over potential mass murders and suicides with guns.
When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.
I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.
The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you’ve ever been there, you’ll realize that that’s maybe a bit long.