Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1188

You're gay, you sell books... you probably shag the books.

You might be a redneck if none of your shirts cover your stomach.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can’t pelt them with poop.

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

I belong to a gym now. Well, let me rephrase that: I don't belong there at all, but I go.

Don't take death for granted.

And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.

Vampire fad just won’t die. Makes sense, I guess.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I hate you Google. You’ve caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend. She’ll look up anything. “I’m going to look up apples today.” She just hits “A.” It’s like, “Asian Ass Porn” instantly. Google’s like, “I’ll take it from here. I know exactly what you’re looking up. Any time you hit A it’s ‘Asian Ass Porn.’” Google, all I ask is you let her type three letters before you come to such a bold conclusion.

There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.

You might be a redneck if you have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

When you bump into your own mom at an orgy, it's hard not to get her to read into certain things.