Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1189

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

The biggest thing I've learned is to listen to my own gut. I have learned to trust my instincts.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

If your stomach blocks your view of your feet, cover it up! The only people who should be wearing belly shirts are people who don't have bellies. Now those little baby spare tires are kinda cute; tractor tires aren't! Especially if they've got hair on them!

I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

"I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!"

I was thinking about The Boss, The King. It's sort of sad - the next legend, what are they gonna do? 'Ladies and gentlemen, Veal Cutlet!'

The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo’s a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don’t know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point.

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.