Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1189

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

You might be a redneck if you can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

Lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It’s like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex.

It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take them outside and shoot the motherfucker.

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

I don’t know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I’m not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

When I die I'll be cremated and my ashes sprinkled over my shrink's toupee.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?