Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1189

I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.

I'm very in love, but I'm not going to jump up and down on your couch. I'm sorry.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

I don’t know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I’m not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo’s a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don’t know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point.

It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are 'taking a break.' Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.

Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them.

Today I followed my instincts and never got out of bed.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'