Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1194
Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.
The CMT folks, there was a genuine enthusiasm that I've never had in television before on the executive side.
You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
"I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!"
I used to temp. I called a temp agency once. They were like, “Do you have any phone skills?”<br /> I was like, “I called you, didn’t I?”
I like to be able to connect with people. And that’s how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.
Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.
Many in the Senate and the Congress care more about their jobs on a watered-down bill over potential mass murders and suicides with guns.
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
You might be a redneck if you use a radiator hose to fix your kitchen sink.
Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.