Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1194
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...
Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.
I drink during every show. I can’t remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It’s like steroids are for athletes. I’m looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn’t have been on stage this long.
I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I’m completely disconnected.
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
I don't trust you. I don't like you, and I don't respect you. That being said, I'm bored out of my mind and I'd like to invite you to dinner.
One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'
If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.
Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... I come to you tonight amist a very important election between 2 very qualified candidates, the hot lady [Sarah Palin] and the Tiger Woods guy [Barack Obama] ...
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.