Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1193
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.
Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.
There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.
We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.
Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!"
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."
I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."
But the one recurring motif in these [80s] videos that I wish would come back were the bands that could rock so hard, they could change the physical properties of things. They would blow holes through walls or they’d walk up to your crappy Geo and go - SCRIBBLY FLABBIDY DOO - and all of sudden it’s a sleek Lamborgini.
When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.
Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "No."
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!