Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1193

One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

I had my coathangers spayed.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon.

I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.

You might be a redneck if you think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

I used to temp. I called a temp agency once. They were like, “Do you have any phone skills?”<br /> I was like, “I called you, didn’t I?”

You might be a redneck if your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.