Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1193

"What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'"

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

For sanity,I just cut down my family tree.

You might be a redneck if when you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.

It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically, and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways.

You might be a redneck if you smoked during your wedding.

There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.

So then there was the Greek, Socrates, he was great... He invented questioning. Before Socrates, no questioning. Everyone sort of went, "Yeah, I suppose so."

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

Just once I want to hear a motivational speaker whisper in my ear, "ya know, this is all bullshit right?"