Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1193

If you've never had a colonic, imagine getting butt raped by a melting snowman. If you have had a colonic, are you sure it was a colonic?

I'm so excited - I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

If you think the French Riviera is foreign car, you might be a redneck.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

Isn't Bush the worst president ever? I mean, when his term is over, he has to walk back to Texas.

Sometimes I just want to tell a story regardless of whether it fits what the show is saying. I’ve been in a lot of writing rooms where somebody says an idea and everyone’s dying, like laughing so they’re delirious. It’s like a black hole in a good way, everything starts to fall into it, you know what I mean.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

You might be a redneck if you own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.

I'm very in love, but I'm not going to jump up and down on your couch. I'm sorry.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.