Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1205

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I think we need to change that old saying, "I don't need a building to fall on me." Because two did and we still don't get it. I think we all stick our head in the sand as a deep human impulse.

And you know that family, every few months, for years, from time to time, whatever it is they're doing they would just stop, stop and look at each other and go... what the fuck did they take?

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...

Sometimes I just want to tell a story regardless of whether it fits what the show is saying. I’ve been in a lot of writing rooms where somebody says an idea and everyone’s dying, like laughing so they’re delirious. It’s like a black hole in a good way, everything starts to fall into it, you know what I mean.

You might be a redneck if you gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

You might be a redneck if you own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.