Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1205

How many kids do you have? Two. Don't have any more. That's the highest acceptable point... from now on take it in the ass.

When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

You might be a redneck if your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

You might be a redneck if you think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to "early spring psychosis."

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

"You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither."

Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is "Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too."