Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1205
I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
I'm not a racist. It's really case by case; it's not ethnicity specific. It's just the way I react to things that are different. I think that's normal. Everyone's nervous when they're confronted with things that they don't understand or are different. That's a normal human reaction. It doesn't become racist 'til you say things like, 'Oh, there's a lot of them.'
What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.
Men and women we look at movie so differently. Men look at how much money is spent. Women look at how much money is saved. If it just cost $300 and if I get it for $150 what have I done ladies? Saved $150. Of course. My husband thinks I’ve spent $150. What’s it like in there?
After you do standup for for, like, five years, you're kind of screwed because you have no other skills. You can't get other jobs. It's like being in prison: you're not suitable for any other career.
I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
The biggest thing I've learned is to listen to my own gut. I have learned to trust my instincts.
I went to Graceland. Go if you never been. Nothing like being ripped off by a dead hillbilly.
I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.
Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"
I’m no good in the morning unless I’ve had that first, hot piping pot of coffee… Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
So then there was the Greek, Socrates, he was great... He invented questioning. Before Socrates, no questioning. Everyone sort of went, "Yeah, I suppose so."
In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create new petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can!