Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1206

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

Assassinating someone is another way of saying "I care", just not in the way they'd want you to.

I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism; that all civilizations are just different. No! Not always. Sometimes things are better! Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy; equality of the sexes, better; protection of minorities, better; free speech, better; free elections, better; free appliances with large purchases, better! Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism.

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.

When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

You might be a redneck if your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

If I were blind, I’d wear a blindfold all the time.

Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to "early spring psychosis."