Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1206

I went to Graceland. Go if you never been. Nothing like being ripped off by a dead hillbilly.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

You might be a redneck if your dad's cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.

You realize what level of misery you have to be experiencing to see my 10-speed tied to a pole and then just be like, 'Look at this rich bastard right here!'

...and there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it, you know why? Because we've got the bombs! That's why, yeah! Two words: NUCLEAR FUCKIN' WEAPONS! OK?!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument.

Why by a book when you can join a library.

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.