Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1206
In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create new petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can!
I just don't feel like you're right for me... sorry, just talking to myself.
I was thinking about The Boss, The King. It's sort of sad - the next legend, what are they gonna do? 'Ladies and gentlemen, Veal Cutlet!'
I understand if you want to stay home and watch me on YouTube, but it’s like incest - you’re putting convenience over quality.
I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.
When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"
Originally we were going to title it The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off, but it was too long.
Vengeance, is good. You give it, you get it. It's all part of what makes us human. So thank god for vengeance. Otherwise, the human race might as well just roll over and let another species for a while. I think it will be the cats. Watch 'em. They're cooking up something.
People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face. It'll probably get you on TV.
You might be a redneck if any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.
I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.