Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1204
In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create new petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can!
When I die I'll be cremated and my ashes sprinkled over my shrink's toupee.
Just once I want to hear a motivational speaker whisper in my ear, "ya know, this is all bullshit right?"
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.
It’s hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they’d kill you if they had the chance.
Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your upper lip. Luckily, the girls never noticed your infantile moustache, 'cos they were hyptonised by the fire engine sized zit on your forehead.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.
I find that when people laugh it's usually because they're connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn't considered. That's my payoff. I'm not interested in other people thinking differently. I don't care. I'm just like yeast - I eat sugar and I shit alcohol. And there's a huge culture that goes with that. Alcohol creates massive shifts in world history, and it changes people's lives. People get pregnant because of alcohol. But the yeast doesn't give a fuck. The yeast isn't going, "I really want to help people loosen up and bring passion into Irish people's lives".