Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1204
My grandmother takes care of herself. She started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today. We don’t know where the hell she is.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
You realize what level of misery you have to be experiencing to see my 10-speed tied to a pole and then just be like, 'Look at this rich bastard right here!'
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
"My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times."
You might be a redneck if there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win.
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.
The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.
It’s hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they’d kill you if they had the chance.