Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1211
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guy's like, 'Wait a second, can I help you?' I was like, 'Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together.' And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and I'll be like, 'Do I look like I work here, chief?'
The first day of spring is known as the "vernal equinox." The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.
I saw an old woman changing a flat tyre, and I walked right by, like everybody else. Then I thought what kind of person am I? So I went back and said, 'Have a nice day.'
I like the way you don't like me, but still let me have sex with you because you don't like yourself.
They flew me out in this plane that was only first class. It was all first class. It was the most psychotic thing I've ever seen in my life. The drinking that went on - it was like Mardi Gras. The nose of the plane started to develop red veins.
I like to be able to connect with people. And that’s how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.
We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.
I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.
I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them.