Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1211

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used lard in bed.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.

It's just a big excuse to say awful things.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Did you ever notice how the people who believe in creationism look really unevolved. Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet.<br /> “I believe God created me in one day.”<br /> Looks like he rushed it.

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.

Have you see the deer heads on the walls of bars? They have the silly party hats on. Sunglasses, streamers around their necks. Those are the ones I really feel sorry for, because obviously they were at a party having a good time…

Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.