Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1211

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

You might be a redneck if your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.

I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don’t care about the films. I don’t care if they’re flushed down the toilet after I die.

Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death – lunch – death, death, death – afternoon tea – death, death, death – quick shower …' "

One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Men and women we look at movie so differently. Men look at how much money is spent. Women look at how much money is saved. If it just cost $300 and if I get it for $150 what have I done ladies? Saved $150. Of course. My husband thinks I’ve spent $150. What’s it like in there?

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attrat men? Men don’t like flowers. I wear a scent called “new-car interior.”

I wish rabbits had big earlobes.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy - location, location, location.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.

I drink during every show. I can’t remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It’s like steroids are for athletes. I’m looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn’t have been on stage this long.