Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1210

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

[on John McCain] I don't need a president with a bucket list!

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.

I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?

I’m no good in the morning unless I’ve had that first, hot piping pot of coffee… Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.

I do not like sports, unless you consider treating all humankind with love and respect a sport.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

"My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times."

When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

The biggest plus of marriage is finally realizing that we are alone.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.