Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1212
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
I find that when people laugh it's usually because they're connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn't considered. That's my payoff. I'm not interested in other people thinking differently. I don't care. I'm just like yeast - I eat sugar and I shit alcohol. And there's a huge culture that goes with that. Alcohol creates massive shifts in world history, and it changes people's lives. People get pregnant because of alcohol. But the yeast doesn't give a fuck. The yeast isn't going, "I really want to help people loosen up and bring passion into Irish people's lives".
I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I'm not too good!
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.
Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."
Like most Catholic boys, I wanted to be Jesus Christ. I could never get the turn-the-other-cheek thing down, though.
You might be a redneck if your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
I understand if you want to stay home and watch me on YouTube, but it’s like incest - you’re putting convenience over quality.