Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1212
We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!"
A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
I drink during every show. I can’t remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It’s like steroids are for athletes. I’m looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn’t have been on stage this long.
...and there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it, you know why? Because we've got the bombs! That's why, yeah! Two words: NUCLEAR FUCKIN' WEAPONS! OK?!
I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.
I get paid very well for an amazing, amazing life. I'm blessed.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.
With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.
There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?