Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1212

I drink during every show. I can’t remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It’s like steroids are for athletes. I’m looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn’t have been on stage this long.

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think "why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility"?

I said to a guy, “Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?” And the guy said, “Well, it intensifies your personality.” And I said, “Yes, but what if you’re an asshole?”

Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18[gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You"

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.