Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1227

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.

A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

I like my coffee like I like my women...covered in beeees!

Like most Catholic boys, I wanted to be Jesus Christ. I could never get the turn-the-other-cheek thing down, though.

A beautiful woman chased me down the street yesterday. She shouted and screamed, tried to grab me, ripped my at my clothes and pulled my hair. After about five minutes, I said, "Okay, lady. Keep your handbag."