Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1227

Per capita - just about everyone has no idea what a ‘capita’ is.

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot [on the road as a standup comic], between airport security and the weather...I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.

I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.

I don't like the term 'intercourse'. I've always described sex as having taken her vagina 'into custody'.

If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.