Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1227
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.
Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.
You might be a redneck if you have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.
Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.