Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1227
I love Cleveland. The weather just terrible there - too cold. All we want to know in Cleveland is where the hell’s all that global warming we’ve been hearing so much about. That’s all they ever do in the winter, stand outside with an aerosol can. >ssst<br />
If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.
I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."
I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say "He's got ADD." Fuck that, he's multitasking.
Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn’t mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe.
I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.
Nepal is the most fun place in the world. You’ve got monkeys roaming around, cremations and animal sacrifices. And there’s no vehicle that you’re not welcome to ride on top of. The country could have been invented by Beavis and Butt-head. Even the gods have nice breasts.
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.