Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1226

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.

A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.

I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.

I’ve had more women than most people have noses.

I got access to a private tour of the zoo. I got to go in a cage with a koala, which I highly recommend.

I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.

"[To a member of the audience] You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? [Pause] It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not born again Christian … oh! pathological liar."

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we’re arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It’s like, there’s a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I’m going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.

Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are...

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!