Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1226
Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
You might be a redneck if someone tells you you have something in your teeth, and you take them out to see what it is.
You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi.
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
He rules the country with an iron fist - the same way he plays the piano.
One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I'm not too good!
I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.
You might be a redneck if you have a rag for a gas cap on a car that does run.
If you believe drugs don’t do anything good for us, do me this favor willya. Go home tonight, take all your albums and tapes and burn ‘em. Because the musicians who made all that great music… real fucking high on drugs. Shit, the Beatles were so high they let RIngo sing a couple of tunes.
Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.
I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'