Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1226

I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.

Alien abductions. I don't believe in them because it's always the same circumstances, the same type of people, the same situations. It's never a black guy; it's never a Hispanic guy; it's never a physicist from the Netherlands - it's always some dumb white fuck in the middle of nowhere.

Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.

I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I'm not too good!

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

You might be a redneck if you have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

What exactly is an evil giraffe?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Sleep is over rated, then again so is being awake.

You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

If I cut myself shaving, sausage gravy comes out. That’s why I always keep a little pile of biscuits next to the sink.

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.