Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1226

The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

I don't like the term 'intercourse'. I've always described sex as having taken her vagina 'into custody'.

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend now, we start hanging out. But we're still the same people. So we'd go out on Sunday, you know, and just be hanging out, then he'd, like, pick a guy, and we'd just go beat the crap out of that guy as a team. Memories, huh?

I got access to a private tour of the zoo. I got to go in a cage with a koala, which I highly recommend.

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?

I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.