Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1226
Celebrated father's day by congratulating myself for not having a kid.
I'd rather send out a mass email then hang posters all over the place.
I do not like sports, unless you consider treating all humankind with love and respect a sport.
The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated.
You might be a redneck if you have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
I don't like the term 'intercourse'. I've always described sex as having taken her vagina 'into custody'.
Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.
Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.
It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.