Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1228

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.

If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.

Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...

My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

You might be a redneck if getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

You might be a redneck if taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You might be a redneck if you've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.