Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1228
British audiences are more polite and have a wider world view. You don’t have to put a fuck joke in every 90 seconds like you do with Americans.
Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.
I’m always looking for something new to say. That’s the problem with doing it for this long, thinking of what haven’t I beaten to death that I care about? You try to break yourself out of your comfort zone, because comfort is deadly for a comedian. There’s a reason why jokes start with “Don’t you hate it when…?” and not “Do you know what’s really great?”
You might be a redneck if someone tells you you have something in your teeth, and you take them out to see what it is.
Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.
I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
I got access to a private tour of the zoo. I got to go in a cage with a koala, which I highly recommend.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.