Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1228
My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.
Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if I'm paying to see a comedy then I just want to see who's funniest, with everyone treated equally. I'm not going to say, 'Oh, I should see a woman this time because I saw a man last time.' It's hard to have blanket opinions.
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
When they [N'Sync and Aerosmith] played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'
I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.