Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1228

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

How can I die? I'm booked.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

I love Cleveland. The weather just terrible there - too cold. All we want to know in Cleveland is where the hell’s all that global warming we’ve been hearing so much about. That’s all they ever do in the winter, stand outside with an aerosol can. >ssst<br />

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.