Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1228
Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.
Celebrated father's day by congratulating myself for not having a kid.
British audiences are more polite and have a wider world view. You don’t have to put a fuck joke in every 90 seconds like you do with Americans.
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated.
A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!'
When they [N'Sync and Aerosmith] played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!
I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.
"[To a member of the audience] You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? [Pause] It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not born again Christian … oh! pathological liar."