Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1254
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.
When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers... we haven't spoken since.
You’re never going to go. Why would you go? It’s a disgusting place. It’s always wet even when it’s dry. There’s nothing there. Farmers aren’t really people, you know this. They’re just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."
It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you're fat.
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
I think I let go of the need for approval, ... It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself ... I could do everything based on how I want to do things.
And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"
The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.
When I was in college, we did mushrooms and acid… and did I mention acid?