Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1253

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

Sex and death are two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion. You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north". No, it's because you got a silly, placebo religion cuz you don't want to admit that you don't fucking know.

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.

You might be a redneck if your secret family recipe is illegal.

I'm quite a compulsive person—I only worked this out recently—I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

I'm a — I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her — the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection....

Everybody does that now. We all take pics… you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture ‘cause you’re too busy recording it - so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time.

You’re never going to go. Why would you go? It’s a disgusting place. It’s always wet even when it’s dry. There’s nothing there. Farmers aren’t really people, you know this. They’re just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.