Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1253
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."
Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.
You might be a redneck if you consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"
I went out with a guy the other night. He goes, “You know, Chelsea, you don’t have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around.”<br /> I’m like, “Listen, fucknut, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
Best of the worst car accidents. They showed this one clip. Two cars go around the corner and they catch each other and start to roll and the tyre flies into the stands and hit's a woman in the face. And where you first saw it you where like OHHHHHH! That tyre just hit that woman in the FACE!... Oh good they're showing it again look look look... Look at this right here, yeah that's when it hit's that woman in the face! And the funny thing is every body around the lady like dove off. Everyone got out of there but she just like sit's there and at the last minute as the tyre is rocketing at her face. This is her defence she goes Ooooohhhhhhh like she's just gonna get into a slap fight with a Goodyear! What a horrible way to go! "What happened to Mary?" "A tyre hit her in the face!" How do you say that without laughing? "What was she doing putting her face near tyres?" No no no no, this type hunted Mary down!
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?' They look like trees.
"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion. You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north". No, it's because you got a silly, placebo religion cuz you don't want to admit that you don't fucking know.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"