Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1255
Everybody does that now. We all take pics… you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture ‘cause you’re too busy recording it - so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time.
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, “You can’t fire me. I quit.”
Best of the worst car accidents. They showed this one clip. Two cars go around the corner and they catch each other and start to roll and the tyre flies into the stands and hit's a woman in the face. And where you first saw it you where like OHHHHHH! That tyre just hit that woman in the FACE!... Oh good they're showing it again look look look... Look at this right here, yeah that's when it hit's that woman in the face! And the funny thing is every body around the lady like dove off. Everyone got out of there but she just like sit's there and at the last minute as the tyre is rocketing at her face. This is her defence she goes Ooooohhhhhhh like she's just gonna get into a slap fight with a Goodyear! What a horrible way to go! "What happened to Mary?" "A tyre hit her in the face!" How do you say that without laughing? "What was she doing putting her face near tyres?" No no no no, this type hunted Mary down!
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint...it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house I got out through the window.
If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.
I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."