Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1255
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, “You can’t fire me. I quit.”
The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.
When I was in college, we did mushrooms and acid… and did I mention acid?
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you're fat.
The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.
You don’t need no gun control. We need some bullet control. I think all bullets should cost $5,000. If a bullet cost $5,000, there’ll be no more innocent bystanders. Every time somebody gets shot it’ll be like, “Man, he must have done something. Shit, they put $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass.”
I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."