Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 127
God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: "When you gonna wear these for me?" She goes, "I can't. They're your daughter's." "Aaahh! No, no, no!" There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
I worked in accounting for two and a half years, realized that wasn't what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and decided I was just going to give comedy a try.
Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do...
My daughter saw this billboard for this place: 'Swim With the Dolphins.' She goes, 'I wanna do that.' I said, 'It's a lot of money - forget about it.' She said, 'Dad, I always wanted to swim with the dolphins.' 'Always, or since you saw the sign?'
There's been times when I have actually had sex indoors. And then you kind of sober up a little when it's over. I become like a bartender at 2 AM. "OK, people, let's move it out! Yeah, you don't have to go home but you can’t stay here."
According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.
Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?
You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom.'
I try not to represent just Asians. Instead, I try to expose our culture to everyone through humor & performance; Hoping that we will be a part of each other and more so a part of everything in a positive light
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
The most popular Valentine’s Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you’re going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.
Acceptance is going to a restaurant where the salad's not great, but the steak is fine.