Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 127

It's like a dream coming true. So when you actually accomplish it, you almost don't know how to react. You imagined you'd run up and down the street screaming, but you're just stunned instead. Like, 'Is this real?'

I don't like being out in public too much. I don't like going to bars. I don't like doing celebrity stuff.

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

When I see homeless white person I start crying. (cries) What a waste of white skin.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it’s right for you.

Florida looks like a gigantic penis! Doesn't it? Have you ever googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener! About to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba. A bukkake of choices and ideas.

A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.

I think extreme sports are really good for relieving stress.

I’ve been on a cruise ship that’s crashed. The captain comes on, “I want you to know that the ship is taking on a little water.” You mean we’re sinking. A guy bringing on a case of Evian, that’s taking on a little water.

It's easy to love somebody. Shit, sit with them a little bit and talk to them a while.

Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers. Those are some Diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great.

Don't try to talk to me about sports. If a guy comes up and starts spitting out stats and what happened in the most recent game, to me, all he's saying is: 'Hey let's punch each other in the cock right after we pound these energy drinks out of a douche while we fuck our Ed Hardy t-shirts at dickhead camp.'

There's no drama like wrestling.

My poor mom, she's like, 'That's my son, Dat Phan. He crack joke all the time. I tell him go to law school, become a lawyer. But no, he move up to Hollywood - he live out of his car; he eat Top Ramen with all the gay guys.'

You can stump any stoner with one question: what were we just talking about?