Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 126
The critics try to intellectualize my materiel. There's no satire involved. Satire is a concept that can only be understood by adults. My stuff is straight, for people of all ages.
I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.
Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.
People are taking the act too seriously. The Diceman character is a macho moron. It's juvenile comedy. I just like to make people laugh.
Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It'a a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
We're down in Mexico. It's for a bachelor party, so we go into a Mexican strip club... I go back with this woman down a murky hallway, and then without missing a beat - these ladies are all business - she goes, 'Go ahead, take out your dong.' 'I'm not taking out my dong. And by the way, who uses the word "dong"? If you want to be hip to the lingo, they're not using the word "dong" up in the States.'
Don't bring your sand toys to the park. That's another bad move. Because I go to the park, and I'm on the Vicodin and a little weed too - let's face it - and I go in there, and my wife's like, 'Bring the sand toys! Bring the sand toys!' And I know what happens every single time: I become sand toy repo man from the eight little kids that run off in nine different directions with my sand toys.
The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy. Nobody's out to get you. Nobody gives a shit whether you live or die. There, you feel better now?
So I was just sitting on my porch, just minding my own business, and this dog come up to me an says 'Hey, ain't you Ross Perot?' Well, I just about dropped a load. And you all know who the prime authority on talking dogs is? The Republican Party. I rest my case.
I used to beat myself up about weight and working out, and no matter what I did I never felt good about myself. I decided to accept myself and know that I am good.
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and words.