Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 128

Don't try to talk to me about sports. If a guy comes up and starts spitting out stats and what happened in the most recent game, to me, all he's saying is: 'Hey let's punch each other in the cock right after we pound these energy drinks out of a douche while we fuck our Ed Hardy t-shirts at dickhead camp.'

There's no drama like wrestling.

I don't do drugs anymore... than say, the average touring funk band.

Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing, you're doing hard work.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'

Before sleeping together today, people should boil themselves.

McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

I ain’t from Africa. I’m from St. Louis.

Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, "Do I have a small penis or just gigantic balls?"

I've never heard of an Israeli going out as a suicide bombers to kill Palestinians. I never saw anybody offer more peace to the Palestinians. Palestinians, many of them that are our enemies, we still invite them to live in our own country, endangering our own lives to give them equal pay on equal jobs and health care benefits and all kinds of benefits. When an Arab is hurt, even trying to kill us, we give them the best hospitals, the best medical care. We make them partners in our own Parliament, and we're persecuting them? This is such a sick perversion. It's like saying the Jews persecuted Hitler.

They're turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers. But what's the real cost 'cause the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper. Why are we paying so much for sneakers when they're made by little slave kids? What are your overheads?

I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.

It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.