Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 131
Whoever said "life without love isn't worth living" didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.
It think acceptance levels sort of swings back and forth. Like in the 60's there was a lot more freedom with sex that doesn't exist today. Language has gotten pushed a bit farther and violence is way far out.
I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.
Ah, self-confidence. You fickle, fickle slut, you. Sometimes you’re there, other times you’re with some other jerk, nowhere to be found. The idea of self-confidence is irritating the way it’s usually presented, like it’s some tangible ‘thing’ you can just throw onto your brain like a jacket.
The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.
Marriage itself is an antiquated institution, it has no place in a progressive society.
We're all products of our parents: all your mother's traits are in the egg and all your father's traits are in the sperm. And if I know my parents, that sperm and egg had a fight.
I've got another friend who is half-Polish and half-Jewish. He's a janitor, but he owns the building!
If God had really intended man to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.
I used to have a theory that I took almost through all the presidencies. And it was that you're either - it's like the Three Stooges. You're either a Moe, who's in charge, or a Larry, who wants to be a Moe, or you're Curly, who is nuts and totally just off the page.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Animals have two vital functions in today's society: to be delicious and to fit well.
Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.