Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 131
Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.
Some struggle is healthy. If you can embrace it rather than be angry, you can use it as your pilot light.
I don't think my mom’s racist, but I think she's old fashioned, you know? And she doesn't know how to, like, talk about it with me. She's like, 'Dat Phan, you like the soup? Eat the soup. Right there. You like the soup? Why you date the white girl?'
It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.
Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.
There are two kinds of intelligence in this world. People who are Monopoly smart and people who are Trivial Pursuit smart... If you’re starting your own business, don’t even talk to me. But If you need to know who the lead singer of Kajagoogoo is, I’m your guy. His name is Limahl, by the way.
Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'