Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 131
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.
He's been on vacation for a year and month. Captain Kirk never left the helm when the Enterprise was under attack.
Let me tell about Tennessee. If your car breaks down in Tennessee, you have just moved to Tennessee.
Some struggle is healthy. If you can embrace it rather than be angry, you can use it as your pilot light.
Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. I love to take the wife and kids, but it's also near a sketchy neighborhood. So there's a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. It's like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it.
Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.
When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.
I think he has a hell of a chance on rain softened ground and he probably represents our best chance for a Festival victory.
Let's define "terrorist organization." A terrorist organization is an organization that makes you feel scared all the time and makes you change your behavior. What does CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC do all the time? That's right. Wolf Blitzer? Terrorist. Glenn Beck? Terrorist. Nancy Grace? Terrorist. And her plastic surgeon. The only news organization that is not a terrorist organization is the BBC. Because the BBC can make the worst things sound okay. "Hello, welcome to the BBC. Satan has re-entered the planet. He is picking up babies with his talons, ripping off their heads, and sucking out their souls. We're in for a thousand years of darkness, all hope is lost and now, the World Cup update."
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Acceptance is going to a restaurant where the salad's not great, but the steak is fine.
Pope John Paul II’s press secretary, who said, "See, if only the Pope were Italian, he woulda shot back!" Never got a dinner!