Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 131
The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy. Nobody's out to get you. Nobody gives a shit whether you live or die. There, you feel better now?
If I fell asleep right after sex, the prostitute might take some of my shit.
Yeah, I'd like to do some cocaine. I'd like to do a drug that makes my penis small, makes my nose bleed, makes my heart explode, and sucks all my money out of the bank.
I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
Florida looks like a gigantic penis! Doesn't it? Have you ever googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener! About to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba. A bukkake of choices and ideas.
If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
You’re born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that’s a law, if you get old you die, that’s a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you’re born with.
Don't bring your sand toys to the park. That's another bad move. Because I go to the park, and I'm on the Vicodin and a little weed too - let's face it - and I go in there, and my wife's like, 'Bring the sand toys! Bring the sand toys!' And I know what happens every single time: I become sand toy repo man from the eight little kids that run off in nine different directions with my sand toys.
There are two kinds of intelligence in this world. People who are Monopoly smart and people who are Trivial Pursuit smart... If you’re starting your own business, don’t even talk to me. But If you need to know who the lead singer of Kajagoogoo is, I’m your guy. His name is Limahl, by the way.
He's been on vacation for a year and month. Captain Kirk never left the helm when the Enterprise was under attack.
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
I was in a real conservative area just outside of Chicago recently. And this guy's like, 'Hey, Arj, you're from San Francisco. Are you in favor of gay marriage?' I was like, 'Well, I'd like to get to know you a little bit better first. I don't know what ever happened to buying a guy a smoothie and seeing what happens. That's how we do it back home.'
Some of the shit marijuana does - we had no idea. Pot doesn't just kill the person who smokes it. It kills everyone within a mile around.