Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 130
I was talking to Jesus, and I said, "Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me." And Jesus looked at me and said, "You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell."
The emotions of men, however, were of a different order. They were pesky annoyances, small dust devils at her feet. Her knack for causing heartbreak was innate, but her vitality often made people forgive her romantic misdeeds.
I don't think my mom’s racist, but I think she's old fashioned, you know? And she doesn't know how to, like, talk about it with me. She's like, 'Dat Phan, you like the soup? Eat the soup. Right there. You like the soup? Why you date the white girl?'
A lot of good has come from drugs. I think "Penny Lane" is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album, so it evens out.
I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.
Actually my Dad just took off. It was one of those divorces he split and he'd show up once a year and give me a Nerf football for Christmas. Thought he's my hero again. Woah it's two colors... you spoil me, you prick.
If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.
I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.
I’m an Asian with a Southern accent. To a lot of people, that right there is funny.
To me, that's where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me.
I needed time to stand back and go through a lot more experience in life. Then I have something to write about, joke or to animate.