Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 132
If my girlfriend brings home a nice looking friend of hers, I fuck her on principal. You know what I mean? Don't throw another bush in front of my face. What do you think I'm gonna do? Talk to it? I'm gonna bang it.
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.
I don’t litter. I don’t throw garbage in the street. Not because I care about the Earth. But I’m afraid I’m going to be walking through the park drinking a soda and when I’m done, I just throw it over my shoulder, it’ll fly over a bush and land on some dead white woman’s head with my fingerprints on the can. Now I’m the Pepsi-Cola Rapist because I’m lazy.
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
That's what a pinata inspires. It's like, 'Hey kids, let's get your favorite cartoon character and let's lynch his ass. And then we're gonna all take turns beating the crap out of it until its guts come out. We can all scramble for its sugary entrails. Who's with me?!'
Don't bring your sand toys to the park. That's another bad move. Because I go to the park, and I'm on the Vicodin and a little weed too - let's face it - and I go in there, and my wife's like, 'Bring the sand toys! Bring the sand toys!' And I know what happens every single time: I become sand toy repo man from the eight little kids that run off in nine different directions with my sand toys.
My son comes out of his room wearing these flood pants with holes in both knees. I have no idea where he found these pants. And I go, 'Dude, you gotta change your pants. You can't wear those pants.' He goes, 'I like these pants, these are my favorite pants, I'm gonna wear them.' I didn't know what to say, I'm a young dad, so I go, 'You're gonna be embarrassed.' He looks at me, steps to me a little bit, and goes, 'I'm not gonna be embarrassed. They're your friends. You're gonna be embarrassed.' I was like, 'Son of a bitch.'
I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."
Normal people terrify me, because they haven’t had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a disfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you’ve driven a drunken father to moms’ parole hearing, what else is there?
To be a true comic, you have to have a signature move. You ever watch wrestling? And your favorite wrestler has the one move that he always does to finish his opponent off, right? Like when he climbs on the rope, and he always jumps off the top rope and finishes off his opponent - that's what a comic has.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud, a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole.