Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 132

I was called "Rembrandt" Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.

If you see a man running down the street cock-flapping, you run with that man. 'Cause there is some scary shit coming the other way.

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

Let's define "terrorist organization." A terrorist organization is an organization that makes you feel scared all the time and makes you change your behavior. What does CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC do all the time? That's right. Wolf Blitzer? Terrorist. Glenn Beck? Terrorist. Nancy Grace? Terrorist. And her plastic surgeon. The only news organization that is not a terrorist organization is the BBC. Because the BBC can make the worst things sound okay. "Hello, welcome to the BBC. Satan has re-entered the planet. He is picking up babies with his talons, ripping off their heads, and sucking out their souls. We're in for a thousand years of darkness, all hope is lost and now, the World Cup update."

Actually, there's nothing I know for sure because I know for sure that things change.

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

I found out one of my old partners, Larry, is in jail now. Larry got 25 years for something he didn't do. He didn't run fast enough.

I’m an Asian with a Southern accent. To a lot of people, that right there is funny.

I needed time to stand back and go through a lot more experience in life. Then I have something to write about, joke or to animate.

All music is the blues. All of it.

Acceptance is going to a restaurant where the salad's not great, but the steak is fine.

You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud, a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole.

Everything beeps now.