Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 18
Love screwed up people, though. I could hang out with screwed up people forever. Screwed up people are great, 'cause screwed up people have been through some stuff. They know what can happen. They know the problems. 'Cause if you've been through a lot of shit in your life, you know every time you see the shit just about the hit the fan... you step to the side of the fan.
Dinosaur fossils? "God put those there to test our faith." Thank God I'm strapped in right now here man. I think God put you here to test my faith, Dude. You believe that? "Uh huh." Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God... might be... fuckin' with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God running around: "Hu hu ho. We will see who believes in me now, ha HA."
Guns don’t kill people. Stupid motherfuckers with guns kill people.
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon..."
I don't like when people say, 'I'll pray for you. I'm going to pray for you. Praying for you.' You're going to pray for me? So you're going to sit at home and do nothing? 'Cause that's what your prayers are; you doing nothing while I struggle with a situation. Don't pray for me - make me a sandwich or something.
I’m going to court next week I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case, 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant.
Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? "Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied!" I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them."
Do you guys realize how fucked I am if Christianity is actually 100% correct? Do you understand about the fucking - the god damn 2 bed room suite they’re already preparing for me in hell’s fire? Do you really believe that there’s a guy in the sky? I think there is. I think, ya know - actually, I don’t. I think when you believe in that stuff, this is my own personal opinion: you’re just too dumb to figure shit out for yourself.
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fucking heroic.
Not all children are smart and clever, got that? Kids are like any other group of people: a few winners... a whole lot of losers.
You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the motion of the ocean, it's the boat of the lotion.' I've even heard variants..., "it's not the tree or the size, it's the axe that you wax.' It's a whole sub-genre of poetry now that's taught in many of our finer institutions.
God help me. I'm so tired. I need my sleep. I make no bones about it. I need eight hours a day, and at least ten at night...
Sex after one child shows down. After twins… ooh… I’ll tell you what it is for us. I’ll share it with you. Every three months. We don’t plan it that way. That’s just how it works out. It’s the weirdest thing. You know what I do? Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my estimated tax. My quarterlies are due. If it’s oral sex, I renew my driver’s license.
When I get into the shower, there is nobody else in the bathroom. Now, when I get out there are five girls just loitering. I finally confronted them. I said "Why are all five of you in the bathroom?" And my youngest daughter, who's really funny, goes "We're trying to see a hoo-hoo!" I said "I'm gonna tell you all you need to know about hoo-hoos. Hoo-hoos are extremely poisonous." And without missing a beat, she goes "they are not, or the dog would be dead!" I hate a smart child.