Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 181
What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? They talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra Streisand. I think they just want him on a stamp so they can lick his ass. I think they only named an airport after him so they can say, "I'm coming into Reagan!"
I was asleep, in the upstairs bedroom, in the rear of the house. There was this tremendous crash, there was a terrible wind force hitting my body, and then I blanked out.
You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym!
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don’t up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don’t put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!
I don't think it's any secret. We can't continue to do business as we're currently doing it.
As you get older you realize your parents don't look so dumb - and that you're not as smart as you thought you were.
They were always very sweet girls. There was really no way to be cynical about them. That's why people always called it "The Michelle Show."
Last week, the city of Detroit filed for bankrupty, it became obvious that Detorit was in trouble when it offered to suck chicago’s dick.
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.
There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.
I would like to give these kids a good home. In fact, there's one a few miles away from here...
It was seventh grade, and I wanted to get Pumas and Nikes for P.E., like all the other kids. And my mom's boyfriend takes me to K-Mart, you know, to get the cheap-ass shoes that they have there. He's like, 'Hey, they look like Adidas.' And I'm like, 'There's an extra stripe, you dick.'