Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 181

One of my sisters wanted to be an opera singer. So, we spent a few dollars to try to train her, because Italian people would like to have an opera singer in the family. But she's got trouble coughing, let alone singing. One day, she was in the shower singing 'Madame Butterfly,' three days later the Japs attacked Pearl Harbor.

'The Bernie Mac Show' is my life. It's the truth, and I'm not ashamed of a minute, an hour, or a second of my life.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.

If you're not happy before you're successful, you're going to be miserable when you do become successful because all your problems just get magnified.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I think all the knowledge and all the travels that I've done, I'm going to do a lot of great work in the future.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.

I was asleep, in the upstairs bedroom, in the rear of the house. There was this tremendous crash, there was a terrible wind force hitting my body, and then I blanked out.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

There were 84 original episodes. It was rated No. 1 and No. 2 on the Fox Children's Network. We figured it was time to make it available to people who have never watched it.

Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George Bush. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his words don't match his face. Something is askew. You can't talk about the war with a smile on your face. He does it constantly. If you're the President, you should go "We're going to talk about the war, I must have a frowny face." The only time you can smile when you're talking about the war in Iraq is when you go, "Well, two Iraqis walk into a bar, hahaha."

Freaks everywhere. I went to a church in Chicago. Church had six Commandments and four do-the-best-you-cans.