Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 181
In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."
Well, I am not always joking, sometimes I am serious. But some people always expect you to be funny. If you were like you are on stage, you would be obnoxious. With the jokes and the putdowns, I would need to take a break... juggle something.
Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
You can’t wait forever for an audience to get the joke, but you should give them at least two seconds to join in before you go on to the next one.
I went to University of Illinois. Big school. 35,000 students. 800 black… I was the only black in every class. Hard to be absent.
As women well know, the reason men are no good at playing dumb is most of the time we're not playing.
Want to shut a racist white guy's mouth. Put him around Super human athletic black dudes.
I took Duke to the vet ’cause he eats his own turds, and I asked the vet, “Isn’t that unusual?” and he says, “No, a lot of dogs do that. Just take some of this powder here, sprinkle it on his food and it’ll make him stop.” I said, “What’s it do?” He says, “It makes his turds taste bad.”<br /> “I’m sorry, Doc, did you just say ‘it will make his turds taste bad’?” Let me tell you something, if you’ve stooped to eating turds, you’ve never uttered the phrase, “Oh my God! This is nasty!”
I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.
My question is - after you've been arrested three or four times, who calls up their friends and goes, 'Hey! Let's get an eight-ball, let's get a bag of weed, let's get a gun, let's get a six-pack and - fuck it - I'll drive!'
Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.
As you get older you realize your parents don't look so dumb - and that you're not as smart as you thought you were.
Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
I've always said my career is somewhere between children's programming and hard-core porn.