Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 182
I've always said my career is somewhere between children's programming and hard-core porn.
They strip search you in jail. Dudes sit in the booth and looks up my ass. Right away I’m thinking, "What in the world am I going to put up my ass that I'm gonna use again?" Like I’m supposed to get inside. "All right. Who wants gum?"
Makes no matter if I'm performing in a grocery store, you're always gonna get 150%.
Sometimes whiskey dick is a good thing, like last night fucking the left eye of a pumpkin sounded like a good idea... thank you whiskey dick thank you!
On a night like this, I like to punish my schlong like I caught it breaking into my house.
Another thing when I'm president? If you're in the army, the navy, any branch of the armed forces... you can fuck whoever you want!
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
I'd walk into the school, smell that institutional smell of the tomato soup, peanut butter, disinfectant, and boys room. Pass the lunchroom, see the familiar lunchroom lady with the white dress and net on her hair. At the end of 50 years of distinguished service the Board of Education gives her a bronze net – with her name on it. It stems from the Board of Education rule to keep her hair out of the food.
I wish people would understand that comedy is an art form, and that the same thing that makes a Picasso painting is the same thing that gives Bill Cosby the ability to do an hour of comedy on his kids.
My comedy has no color, it’s for everybody, black, white, Latino, Asian. It’s not a pro-black show, not a def jam show; it’s just straight, wholesome type of humor.