Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 182

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.

I was at my parents' house all day - because I live there.

Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.

I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.

Whenever I don't feel so good, I always try to remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over, and they share the same asshole.

Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the "S" stands for "suckers."

Do unto others as you would've them do unto you. Scientific prove that to be a fact for every action is the opposite as equal reaction. Don't fuck with me, and i won't fuck with you.

We're living in the time of AIDS. It's rough being skinny with that shit. Women be looking at you like, "I don't know. You awfully thin."

Being a lawyer in New York sucks because you're working eighty, sometimes a hundred hours a week.

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.

People need motivation to do anything. I don't think human beings learn anything without desperation.

I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal.

You can’t wait forever for an audience to get the joke, but you should give them at least two seconds to join in before you go on to the next one.