Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 180

Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.

They were always very sweet girls. There was really no way to be cynical about them. That's why people always called it "The Michelle Show."

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

Do unto others as you would've them do unto you. Scientific prove that to be a fact for every action is the opposite as equal reaction. Don't fuck with me, and i won't fuck with you.

You make due with the time you have here. Hopefully when you pass on, somebody can look back and say, 'Wow, they made a difference in some kind of way.'

If you believe that the world is going to come to an end - and perhaps any day now - does it not drain one's motivation to improve life on earth while we're here?

You should have a value system. You can win if you stick with your value system.

I used to be an airplane mechanic until they started drug testing. That's when I knew it was time to let that one go. And people ask me about that; they're like, 'Is that true man? Did you really do drugs?' 'Yeah.' 'Why would you do drugs?' 'They work.'

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

Trickle-down economics - it didn't work. The whole idea was supply-side economics: give rich people a lot of money; they'll spend it, it'll go into the economy. Here's what we found out - rich people, really good at keeping all the money. That's how they got rich. If you want it in the economy, give it to the poor people. You know what they're really good at? Spending all their money.

People need motivation to do anything. I don't think human beings learn anything without desperation.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

Freaks everywhere. I went to a church in Chicago. Church had six Commandments and four do-the-best-you-cans.

My father was the king of the joke-tellers. I was so impressed as a child watching him, holding people in rapt attention.

My father never cheated on my mother. He used to cheat on me. He used to pick other kids after school. Take them to the zoo. Take them to play ball. One day he came to me. He says, "Look I got to level with you. I met another kid."