Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 183
The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.
It doesn't burn unless you take too long to blow it out. How true that is, for life in general.
I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.
Watched Terms of Enrearment. Don't play dumb. Don't, it offends me. Bang the Nun Slowly. I think it's a remake. Your Ass Licked Part. That one's scary a little bit. There's one with midgets. Itty Bitty Gang Bang. I'm not sure if that was worth $7.95. It's a write off. Awww Schindler's Fist. So usually... I don't... I don't like the political stuff. The political porn isn't really where it's at late night.
President Obama. He is the man. I’ve tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.
Well, I am not always joking, sometimes I am serious. But some people always expect you to be funny. If you were like you are on stage, you would be obnoxious. With the jokes and the putdowns, I would need to take a break... juggle something.
You make due with the time you have here. Hopefully when you pass on, somebody can look back and say, 'Wow, they made a difference in some kind of way.'
Another thing when I'm president? If you're in the army, the navy, any branch of the armed forces... you can fuck whoever you want!
Once in a while you get a moment of clarity - an inspiration - and they don't come that frequently.
You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.
I've been a character actor, which I define as "anyone in the movie who's not kissing Renee Zellweger.