Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 183
We're living in the time of AIDS. It's rough being skinny with that shit. Women be looking at you like, "I don't know. You awfully thin."
Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.
Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George Bush. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his words don't match his face. Something is askew. You can't talk about the war with a smile on your face. He does it constantly. If you're the President, you should go "We're going to talk about the war, I must have a frowny face." The only time you can smile when you're talking about the war in Iraq is when you go, "Well, two Iraqis walk into a bar, hahaha."
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
My father was a proctologist; my mother was an abstract artist. That's how I view the world.
Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, "Do I have a small penis or just gigantic balls?"
If you believe that the world is going to come to an end - and perhaps any day now - does it not drain one's motivation to improve life on earth while we're here?
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.
They want families to come to New York and go to the theater, so the theater is all geared toward family entertainment. It's money, you know.
I was in the Air Force and was a boom operator (in-flight refueling). I got my comedy start in the Air Force.