Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 183

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

To women, we are like big dogs that talk.

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it’s the funniest.

I'm still trying to understand the wearing off high heels at the airport.

I grew up in New York in a neighbourhood called Washington Heights. It's not really a ghetto, it's a ghetto suburb. Slums with trees. Even the birds are junkies. The birds don't know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. "Tweet, tweet sucker. Give me a quarter."

If it wasn't for Abe Lincoln, I'd still be on the open market.

I really, really love Hilary Clinton. I think she's very cool. She's out there and she's involved.

It is a big world that we live in, and people have a choice to love who they love.

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

I've had people come up to me, as home viewers, and tell me they were screaming at the TV, yelling at each other, yelling at the contestants.

I was at my parents' house all day - because I live there.

I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

My grandma used to say "Sound your Klaxon when you come around a turn." And I'd say "Shut your fucking Klaxon I'm driving!" Oh we had fun.

I don't think it's any secret. We can't continue to do business as we're currently doing it.

The only reason I feel guilty about masturbation is because I do it so badly.