Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 184
Dean Martin’s great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, "I see the cotton, but where’s the gin?" Never got a dinner!
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.
Consider the rose... The rose is the sweetest smelling flower of all, and it's the most beautiful because it's the most simple, right? But sometimes, you got to clip the rose. You got to cut the rose back, so something sweeter smelling and stronger, and even more beautiful, will grow in its place.
There’s so many board games with so many different titles, but I feel like they could all have the same title: ‘Which One Of My Friends Is A Competitive Prick?’
'The Bernie Mac Show' is my life. It's the truth, and I'm not ashamed of a minute, an hour, or a second of my life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Will you calm down? You're not going to let a little near-death experience ruin your mood, are you?
Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.
I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade. If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.
I think women seem to handle celibacy better. Well, at least when you talk with them, they're very nonchalant about it: 'Oh, no, no, I haven't made love in about three or four months, and I really haven't missed it at all. I've been doing a lot of horseback riding.'
The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every fucking day.
Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.