Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 184
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
You might be a redneck if... you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.
I went to University of Illinois. Big school. 35,000 students. 800 black… I was the only black in every class. Hard to be absent.
What is wrong with me I just bought a bag of weed from an infant.
I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal.
He can procrastinate more than any kid I've ever met in my life. When I tell my son to go take a shower, it can easily be forty-five minutes before I hear the water start running. Do you got one like this? He gets up in his bathroom, 'cause he has go to the bathroom again. And I don't even think he has to go; I think he just enjoys the comfort of that seat. It's like his La-Z-Boy rocker. He's got books in front of it, and LEGOs. And one night, I told him to go take a shower, and I didn't hear the water run for about an hour, and I said "that is it!" And I went upstairs and I walked in his room, and I heard this "boom, boom, boom." And I looked around the corner of the bathroom, he is standing butt naked in front of the mirror going "shake your boom boom, shake your boom boom." And I let it go for about ten seconds, then went "Shake, boy!" We don't nekkid dance anymore.
"If you got it, flaunt it" may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.
Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade. If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.