Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 184

Well, I am not always joking, sometimes I am serious. But some people always expect you to be funny. If you were like you are on stage, you would be obnoxious. With the jokes and the putdowns, I would need to take a break... juggle something.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

Whenever I don't feel so good, I always try to remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over, and they share the same asshole.

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.

We said to them to take all of the students who are troubled students and work with them. They're not bad. They're troubled because they don't have what you had and what I had growing up. It was tough, and it's still tough, but Jodi and her staff are making it work. These are the kids that would have been out on the street robbing and stealing.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal.

Another thing when I'm president? If you're in the army, the navy, any branch of the armed forces... you can fuck whoever you want!

I've been a character actor, which I define as "anyone in the movie who's not kissing Renee Zellweger.

Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

If you ever want to go golfing, take Brad with you. He will make you look better. He came in dead last. There were 75 celebrities and pro athletes and he came in dead last.