Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 184

I don't think it's any secret. We can't continue to do business as we're currently doing it.

We said to them to take all of the students who are troubled students and work with them. They're not bad. They're troubled because they don't have what you had and what I had growing up. It was tough, and it's still tough, but Jodi and her staff are making it work. These are the kids that would have been out on the street robbing and stealing.

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

I think racists know at this point that they've probably got to keep their ideas to themselves unless they're at one of those Klan meetings. You know bunch of douchebags sitting around with a fucking comforter thrown over your face, just fucking getting all sweaty under there, your face breaking out. You know? Whats wrong with those people?

Every time Joe Biden says something goofy, I just picture GWBush at home, watching TV saying: “That guy says some dumb stuff.”

For years and years, Arj Barker was high on life, but eventually, I built up a tolerance.

Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid, and eventually gas.

Oh my God, Kennedy Airport - what a mess - all over you with those dopey security questions. 'Did you receive any gifts from any unknown persons?' Buddy, the last thing I got from an unknown person was in the 80's.

You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it and you wave a flag celebrating it.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

I had very tough kids when I was a substitute teacher. I never had the kids we see in the ads - “Good golly, Mrs. Dobson, can I mow your lawn, and earn money for that catcher's mitt I've been wanting?” - a refugee from a Norman Rockwell painting. No. I had large, formidable – I had murderers in my class. I had one child in the ninth grade who had to take six months off from school for National Guard duty. He was going to junior hight on the GI Bill.