Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 185

Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

My father was a proctologist; my mother was an abstract artist. That's how I view the world.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.

I'm not even 1000% sure that polar bears exist. How do you know? Why, 'cause Coca-Cola puts them on their can during Christmas? They also put Santa Claus, what's your fucking point?

If you're on Twitter, what you're saying is, 'I'm important enough for you to care what I think.'

I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know when I failed eight other students around me failed too.

I've been a character actor, which I define as "anyone in the movie who's not kissing Renee Zellweger.

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

Who got the part? Chris Tucker? Shit! Who got the other part? Tell me man. Jackie Chan? That mother fucker can't even speak English!

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."

Well, I am not always joking, sometimes I am serious. But some people always expect you to be funny. If you were like you are on stage, you would be obnoxious. With the jokes and the putdowns, I would need to take a break... juggle something.