Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 185
I had very tough kids when I was a substitute teacher. I never had the kids we see in the ads - “Good golly, Mrs. Dobson, can I mow your lawn, and earn money for that catcher's mitt I've been wanting?” - a refugee from a Norman Rockwell painting. No. I had large, formidable – I had murderers in my class. I had one child in the ninth grade who had to take six months off from school for National Guard duty. He was going to junior hight on the GI Bill.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
My inspiration is coming more and more from the way I feel and the gratitude I feel. The older you get the more humility you have.
My uncle was the first one in my family to get a telephone. It was like going to the moon. He came running over to tell us, and we were so proud. A telephone! We didn't have to go to the candy store to phone any more. We went around telling everyone. But we didn't hear from my uncle for three days, so my father got worried. He said, "Let's go over there." We got there, and my uncle was very depressed. I asked, "What's the matter?" He said, "I got a telephone and nobody called me." He didn't give his number out - he didn't know that you had to!
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.
The New York Times - but the whole country gives it that weight. It's like the Asian kid in math class. Everybody in the media cheats off The New York Times.
The only reason I feel guilty about masturbation is because I do it so badly.
There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.
And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don’t up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don’t put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.