Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 193

Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.

A guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone and could really use some company. Pet shop guy says, "I have just what she needs. A parrot that can speak in 5 languages. She'll have a lot of fun with that bird." The guy says he'll take the parrot and makes arrangement to have the bird delivered to his Mom. A few days pass and the man calls his mother. "Well Mom, how did you like that bird I sent?" She says, "Oh son, he was delicious!" Aghast, the guys says, "Mom, you ate that bird? Why, he could speak 5 languages!" Mom says, "well, he shoulda said something."

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.

Doing panel well is actually more important than doing a good stand-up spot because it’s when the audience observes you in a more “conversational” mode and decides if they like your personality – which is one of the real keys to popularity.

The whole motivation for any performer is "Look at me, Ma".

New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.

I think I invented the phrase 'Don't overdo it.'

You don't know who you messing with man, I slap people for fun. That's what I do man! You wanna play rough, huh, I kill for fun!

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.

White people think they can just do what the fuck they want to do all the time!

The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, "Dune buggies. Woohoo!"