Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 193

If you think the stock market has a fence around it, you might be a redneck.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.

Will somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg, please? Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?

Starting to drink now in preparation for New Years. No more last minute stuff like Christmas.

If you're on Twitter, what you're saying is, 'I'm important enough for you to care what I think.'

He can procrastinate more than any kid I've ever met in my life. When I tell my son to go take a shower, it can easily be forty-five minutes before I hear the water start running. Do you got one like this? He gets up in his bathroom, 'cause he has go to the bathroom again. And I don't even think he has to go; I think he just enjoys the comfort of that seat. It's like his La-Z-Boy rocker. He's got books in front of it, and LEGOs. And one night, I told him to go take a shower, and I didn't hear the water run for about an hour, and I said "that is it!" And I went upstairs and I walked in his room, and I heard this "boom, boom, boom." And I looked around the corner of the bathroom, he is standing butt naked in front of the mirror going "shake your boom boom, shake your boom boom." And I let it go for about ten seconds, then went "Shake, boy!" We don't nekkid dance anymore.

I think all the knowledge and all the travels that I've done, I'm going to do a lot of great work in the future.

My buddies, we've always just tried to make each other laugh. I mean, just like all friends hanging out - that's the goal.

Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.

New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don't care enough about to actually have a conversation with, why bother calling to say "how are you," when you can just surf their page and post an mpeg of a guy farting on his cat.

The `50s were terrifying with nuclear bomb stuff but boring in a social way and then the `60s were happening, and remember, there was no AIDS.

Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.