Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 194

You know what's weird about plane crashes is that you watch it on the news and they say the people have to be identified by their dental records. 'Cause if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I’m old and my knowledge is strictly horizontal.

Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers. Those are some Diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great.

Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether it's appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country?

I think I invented the phrase 'Don't overdo it.'

Everybody's funny in different ways.

'Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

If you bought the soundtrack to the motion picture Ray, what you're saying about yourself is, "I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and pretend I've been a lifelong Ray Charles fan."

Nero’s wife Shirley, who said to Nero, "Idiot! Fiddle on the roof; you'll make a fortune!" Never got a dinner!

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don’t want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

White people think they can just do what the fuck they want to do all the time!

The other day I drove home filled with pride and a sense of achievement. I entered the house, and there was my mother. "Mama," I said proudly, "I have a new Corvette outside." Mama looked at me, shook her head and said sadly: "Please, Joey. Don't bring her in."