Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 194
On a personal note, I'm a comedian who makes fun of what I believe to be the absurdities of our government. Make my life difficult. Make this next four years really shitty for me, so that every morning all we can do is come in and go, 'Madonna is doing some Kaballah thing, you wanna do that?' I'd like that. I'm tired.
I do have to fly a lot. It's difficult for me, but I'm not angry about it. But I did see on the menu in Logan Airport, Boston, “Potato salad in season.”
They think globally but act locally, which is part of my t-shirt philosophy course that I teach in Brooklyn.
You know what's weird about plane crashes is that you watch it on the news and they say the people have to be identified by their dental records. 'Cause if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.
Banks have a new image. Now you have a friend, your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.
Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee. Sometimes old people hike by mistake.
If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.
In America, "Qualification" is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
You can get tested now for early onset Alzheimer's. Hold on a second, could someone hire a marching band, cause I'm so happy I feel like having a parade. You mean I can find out early if I'm going to die of a super horrible disease that there's no cure for? Well, whoopee!
You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.