Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 194
We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.
The president of a TV network generously agreed to take his company's aptitude test, a test required of all the personnel. He did badly. As a result he was in a sullen mood for the rest of the day. When he got home that night, his wife asked why he looked so grouchy. "I took the company's aptitude test this morning." "What did it show?" asked the wife. "It showed," boomed the executive, "that such tests are idiotic. That's what it showed."
New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.
I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.
A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
If you're on Twitter, what you're saying is, 'I'm important enough for you to care what I think.'
When I've gotten criticism, it's that it's too long, too soft, didn't hit the government hard enough. Then when I do hit the government, they go, "What's he doing hitting the government?"
I think all the knowledge and all the travels that I've done, I'm going to do a lot of great work in the future.
If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.
I'm under stress. They killed me on wikipedia. They killed me. And I didn't stay dead long enough to sell no DVDs. I didn't even stay dead long enough - I was too stupid. I should've stayed low. I should've laid low. I could've been gone for a year; I'd have made money. And then I'd have risen from the dead.
One day I was running around playing with my son Connor when afterwards I was sweating, tired and out of breath. I was embarrassed that something as enjoyable as playing with my son was so tough for me to do. Immediately I started an extensive diet and exercise plan. It completely changed my life and helped cure my Type-2 diabetes.