Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 192

Okay, first rule of this carpool. No breaking wind in my car. The only gas that Bernie Mac want to be smelling is unleaded.

If you ever want to go golfing, take Brad with you. He will make you look better. He came in dead last. There were 75 celebrities and pro athletes and he came in dead last.

The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, the second time, ever, they have rebuilt Sodom and Gomorrah. It's back!! And you have the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt.

The New York Times - but the whole country gives it that weight. It's like the Asian kid in math class. Everybody in the media cheats off The New York Times.

I knew I loved it because I could take the failures. I was like a professional fighter - they're beat 20 times in a row and they just want that one win.

"I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'"

Don't worry about dying, worry about living.

We as comics do want an immediate response from the audience. It's really quiet on the set, and there are only the producers, and the director, so a comic is looking for someone to give a reaction, even if it is the camera guy.

You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

I developed several comedy phone calls.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

You know when I'm down to my socks it's time for business. That's why they're called business socks. It's business, it's business time.

I was worried about the ground, and while I thought it was quicker than ideal, there was no jar.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.