Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 192

I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.

If you believe that the world is going to come to an end - and perhaps any day now - does it not drain one's motivation to improve life on earth while we're here?

When I die, if the word "thong" appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I've screwed up.

Miracles happen when fear isn't looking.

You might be a redneck if... you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

Whenever she uses the phrase "I was thinking...," that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

Oh, this is fun - went to a nude beach for the first time. Yeah, that's what I thought. You ever been to a nude beach? Thought it would be all sexy and hot. Oh my God, what a flubber fest! Everybody who shouldn't be naked is naked - didn't make me want to take off my clothes, made me want to take out my contacts.

I think Twitter is really great for those comics that are good with the one-liners. The thing about the Internet is that there are so many different things you can do, as a comic, to get yourself out there. It could be YouTube, it could be Twitter, it could be blogging. On the Internet, it's like I have my own little store. I have a bunch of YouTube videos up, and it's like, 'Check out these videos and if you like what I do, come check me out and if not... no harm, no foul.'

Had an unexplained burst of happiness today. Doctor said not to worry it will go away.

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, "Dune buggies. Woohoo!"

To women, we are like big dogs that talk.

I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.

I think anybody that protests at a comedy club is too easy. If you have problems and issues, you need to go to the White House and complain to Congress. Don’t come to a comedy club and bitch. That’s too easy.

The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.