Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 210

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.

You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it and you wave a flag celebrating it.

Never turn down an opportunity to shout "Fuck them all!" at the top of your voice.

People have romantic notions about television. In the highest realms they think it's some sort of art medium, and it's not. Others think it's an entertainment medium, it's not that either. It's an advertising medium. It's a method to deliver advertising like a cigarette is a method to deliver nicotine.

Like this girl said, after she caught me using her tooth brush. I said Why are you complaining? 30 mins ago you were licking my ass.

My feeling is, the Pilgrims were asked to leave England. England was never funner than when the Pilgrims split, right? The people of England got a little tired of these dour, right-winged conservative psycho-Christians wearing all black, bumming people out, confusing everyone by wearing buckles on... their heads. "Is that tight enough for you, Cotton?" "Yea, verily.”

I got distracted by one of the hippie moms who was breastfeeding a kid that was way too old to be breastfeeding. You ever seen that before? It's disgusting. A child should not be old enough to comment on the quality. Like, 'Do you go to Cheesecake Factory, because this is delicious. It's like dulce de leche meets Riesling coming out of this thing, and I've got to say thank you.'

Now I have new stories and I feel refreshed. There is talk of Bobby's World eventually coming back. I would be happy to do that.

"You need to work on your people skills." "Shut up, Bret."

And don't forget to fasten your condoms! Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Jesus saves, Moses invests.

Bobby's World touched a lot of people. That's why the family's last name is Generic. Uncle Ted is based on uncles we've all had.

I sang a song at my sister's wedding. My mother forced me into that, too. But that one felt all right.

Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before. We can actually finish jokes.