Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 210
So I went to drown my sorrows in a 19 year old waitress. So we talked, and on the third day, I got her into bed. And she started to cry. It’s like I’m a mental-illness magnet at this point.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
Even if you get a joke right you’ve done it a thousand times and sometimes there’s times where it just doesn’t work or someone doesn’t agree with you. And I want to show that. I have had more hecklers because that’s part of comedy is arguments, you know?
I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!
If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.
Now... just wait a minute. Did I start talking Portuguese up here and not realize it?
Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room… can even bring things to a climax.
I bullshit on the phone all day with a variety of people discussing various projects, and occasionally write jokes.
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
At some point, the computer industry decided if you have an e-mail address, you must have some kind of penis problem.
Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.
Don’t be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I’m dead inside.