Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 211
According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He’s going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?
God doesn't hate gay people, he's just mad they found a loophole in the system..."We're just going to bang each other. It's better than all that..neh neh neh neh neh...listen, listen, listen...if I lost a leg would you still love me? You mean from the knee down? You lose a finger nail I'll break up with you. There's no depth to my shallowness."
People have romantic notions about television. In the highest realms they think it's some sort of art medium, and it's not. Others think it's an entertainment medium, it's not that either. It's an advertising medium. It's a method to deliver advertising like a cigarette is a method to deliver nicotine.
Don't let people treat you like you're stupid. If it sounds too good to be true, it is.
Lactose intolerant milk? Kiss my dick! If you're lactose intolerant you can't drink milk. So what's in the fucking carton? Get it out of there, get it away from my milk. It is talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself.
I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.
Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.
Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.
All my life I was a class clown, church clown, neighborhood clown. And I took a shot after my divorce. She pushed me and I took it.
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
We ask for way too much stuff - way too much stuff. You got a job making $100 a year and bought a house for $3 million. Talking about, 'I don't know what happened with the payment.'
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.