Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 211
The difference being that a nerd would wear a D&D shirt because he loves D&D while a hipster would wear a D&D shirt because it’s ridiculous that he is wearing a D&D shirt.
The wussification of America is killing us by teaching us to censor ourselves from what we believe. That’s why I want to see political correctness die in my lifetime, but first... I want to watch it suffer.
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
If I do a movie where I have to have a son and it's a chubby kid, my mother is always like, 'You were never like that.' She gets so upset about it.
The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.
Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.
Don't let people treat you like you're stupid. If it sounds too good to be true, it is.
Common sense dictates the term "hot fudge sundae" has a totally different meaning in prison.
I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move.
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
If you say 'why not?,' that applies to everything: 'Why don't I jump off a mountain, wearing just a towel, and see if I make it? Why not?'
Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’ She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’ He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and fuck off.’
Nor did anyone censor any of my book. It is the most creative freedom you can have, in this, the 21st century, I can assure you.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.