Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 214
This movie will actually increase the sex life of parents everywhere because they can put this on, with the 45 minutes of extras and they've got almost two hours to do whatever they've got to do while the kids watch the movie.
Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH... and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'
More details coming out about Michael Jackson. It seems his 13-year-old accuser testified before a grand jury that Michael had seven locks on his bedroom door. See, what happened was whenever Michael would install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he’d have to put in another one, and then another one, and then another one.
I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbour!"
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I'd walk into the school, smell that institutional smell of the tomato soup, peanut butter, disinfectant, and boys room. Pass the lunchroom, see the familiar lunchroom lady with the white dress and net on her hair. At the end of 50 years of distinguished service the Board of Education gives her a bronze net – with her name on it. It stems from the Board of Education rule to keep her hair out of the food.
The difference being that a nerd would wear a D&D shirt because he loves D&D while a hipster would wear a D&D shirt because it’s ridiculous that he is wearing a D&D shirt.
You're taught as a child, when an old person says something to you, you don't talk back. But now I am an adult, I let their ass have it, you hear me? I'm in church Sunday; I spot this old lady. I said, 'Hey ma'am, how you doing?' She said, 'Hey baby, how big you goin' get?' I said, 'How old you goin' get?' She got mad, 'You fat ass,' 'You old bitch - we're in church now!'
I wanted to cut down on the profanity, because I think I'm funnier without sayin' a lot of cuss words.
My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.
My mum is in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people all had a touch of crazy that fuelled their brilliance. They were not locked up for it like my mum. Pft. Then again, Winston Churchill never tried to kill my dad.