Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 214
We lost my grandmother recently. No, she didn't die - we lost her. She actually shrunk to the point we can't find her anymore. It's so sad 'cause we know she's still in the house, she's just not visible to the naked eye.
The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.
It's all about money, not freedom, ya'll, okay? Nothing to do with fucking freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?
This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.
When I got to stand-up, having seen Lenny Bruce when I was 17 or 18, I didn’t laugh at all at what he did, but I could not get over the storytelling aspect. They were concepts that challenged you.
I'm getting a hair cut this weekend and I'm gonna tell the guy straight up, "No fuckin' around make my hair shorter than when I came in!"
The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, the second time, ever, they have rebuilt Sodom and Gomorrah. It's back!! And you have the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt.
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes right to the fucking bone.
In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn’t think I could pull that off. I’m a little short to be a basketball player!
I wanted to cut down on the profanity, because I think I'm funnier without sayin' a lot of cuss words.
All my life I was a class clown, church clown, neighborhood clown. And I took a shot after my divorce. She pushed me and I took it.
Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.