Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 213
I think the word raped gets thrown around far too casually. You ever listen to a bunch of guys playing video games with each other online? It's like, 'Ah man you shot me in the back dude. You raped me dude!' I'm pretty sure if I talked to a woman who's been through that horrific situation and I said, 'What was it like, you know, being raped?' she's not gonna look at me and go, 'Have you ever played Halo?'
Bobby's World touched a lot of people. That's why the family's last name is Generic. Uncle Ted is based on uncles we've all had.
A guy said to me, “There’s only 10 snow geese left in the world.”<br /> I said, “One shits on my car, there’ll be 9.”
Everybody I know is bizarrely beautifully fucked up in some way.
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.
We lost my grandmother recently. No, she didn't die - we lost her. She actually shrunk to the point we can't find her anymore. It's so sad 'cause we know she's still in the house, she's just not visible to the naked eye.
Why can't a heterosexual guy tell a heterosexual guy that he thinks his booty is fly?
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
You just need an opportunity and then you yourself have to do a good job, and then you hope that people go, 'Oh yeah, I forgot about her.'
Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting.