Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 215
They didn't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he's black. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now if that ain't black folk, I don't know what is.
Latinos outnumber Black people now. I’m not too happy about it. Because it’s only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they’re going to have Latino History Month. All we’re going to have is Cinco de Negro.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
No one is questioning the nobility and honor of these men and women that are serving and what they're doing. No one questions that. Now they're targets and they're not going out, they're just protecting each other and they're in the middle of a civil war. So it's really not fair to have these people, who volunteered their lives to protect our nation under false pretenses, to now be targets.
An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.
The wussification of America is killing us by teaching us to censor ourselves from what we believe. That’s why I want to see political correctness die in my lifetime, but first... I want to watch it suffer.
When I started, you didn't make a lot of money by being a comedian. You didn't get a lot of respect.
Never turn down an opportunity to shout "Fuck them all!" at the top of your voice.
I'm getting a hair cut this weekend and I'm gonna tell the guy straight up, "No fuckin' around make my hair shorter than when I came in!"
Now I have new stories and I feel refreshed. There is talk of Bobby's World eventually coming back. I would be happy to do that.
Homeland security is a problem... Because, it's a good idea, but it's a problem, because the man who runs it is Tom Ridge. And he is someone who has the leadership qualities of... a gerbil. He was a part of coming up with what is the color coding system of security. You know, orange and yellow, and whatever the fuck the others are. OK? And what's stupid about it is they had it color-coded, like we're in fucking elementary school! There's no need for that! Because every time they tell us what the color is, then they have to fucking explain it, so get rid of the fucking color! Simplify it; there should be three levels of security: Jesus Christ, Goddammit, fuck me!