Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 23

When white people go on break at their job. 15 minutes. They go to their desk. They eat their cheese sandwich. Drink their God damn tea. 15 minutes they’re back on the fucking job. My people I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with us. But when we go on break, that’s just what the fuck we do…. we break. You got to look for our motherfucking ass. “You seen Johnny?”

I learned early on, stay away from politics, stay away from religion and don't talk about sports. Those three right there will get you in trouble.

Marijuana will be legal someday, because the many law students who now smoke pot will one day be Congressmen and they will legalize it to protect themselves. I don't smoke pot, and I'm glad because then I can champion it without any special pleading. The reason I don't smoke pot is because it facilitates ideas and heightens sensations - and I got enough shit flying through my head without smoking pot.

Who you gonna believe, bitch? Me? or your lying eyes?

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage.

I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking... and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, andI had to suck out the poison... so she’s dead.

I don't know why they say "you have a baby." The baby has you.

Just what is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? Is it still just the two spaces?

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance - fake.

When I hear 'yee-haw!', that scare the shit outta me. Cuz I know what come next. Y'all remember? Y'all's ancestors used to hang us for kicks? ..Muthafuckin on the weekend, hot, couldn't get no pussy? 'Let's go down to the jail, get a couple of them black ones and just string 'em up. ..yeehaww..' ..When I hear that, shit crawl all up and down my neck.

When I was a baby I had no teeth. I couldn't get a job and I couldn't eat meat.

I’ve got a hockey record, I took off my skate and tried to stab a guy, I’m the only person who ever tried that.

When I was on vacation in Africa, I went out in the country. Where you see some lions and shit. I'm talking about real lions, not them kind you be fucking with in the zoo. Hey, lion, motherfucker.

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.