Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 244

My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.

And you can't smoke in any of this coffee places. Can't smoke at Starbucks, can't smoke in dunkin' doughnuts... I'm pretty sure coffee was invented by people who were smoking anyways. And they just wanted to invent something so they can stay up late and smoke fucking more! That's my theory. Just ask me or Columbo, he'll back me up on this one.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I feel today's society is so judgmental.

I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It's therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.

She wants to have cybersex, which if you don't know what cybersex is, it's like phone sex but with the keyboard. It's just a new level of sad.

Heavy chicks love pointing out that Marilyn Monroe was a size 12. Yeah, but she was also a huge slut who blew the president.

Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...

Ain't nobody get fired, they went in another direction.

I was sent to the principal's office for copying...they heard my Minolta running. The principal said 'Emo, Emo, Emo.' I said 'I'm the one in the middle, you lousy drunk!' He said, "do you know I could have you expelled?' I said 'yes, but you'll have to eat me first.'

And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can't fucking understand them before.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.

It's this patronizing thing that people have about if you're against the war everyone's lumped together. You know, the soldiers are not scholars, they're not war experts.