Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 245
I have to lay off dairy though. That's what my doctor threw in. As I was leaving his office, "Oh, and uh, leave off dairy." What kind of blanket sweep is that? "And no more happiness! Away with you!"
Black folks never bungie jump. That’s too much like lynching for us. "I'm gonna let you tie a rope around me and push me off a bridge? You must be out your damn mind."
Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...
What's wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can't we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity and decency and, God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy, gentlemen. If we're going to fight a disease, let's fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.
Gay people speak each others language in a way that we don’t as heterosexual people. You meet a girl. Initially, you want to fuck her. She don’t want to, because she’s a girl… With gay guys that’s a meeting of the minds. Being gay is like walking into a shoe store and like,"Sir, do you have a size 10?" and the guy says, "They’re all size 10s!"
Well, you know, my name is Ced and I kinda consider myself an entertainer. Hey that ain’t bad yeah, Cedric the Entertainer.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
There was a ship out in the ocean, and the guy up in the crow’s nest says, “Enemy ship ahead!” The captain says, “Bring me my red shirt.” And the servant says, “Uh... okay.” So he gets the captains red shirt, and the captain puts it on. And as the battle proceeded, they didn’t loose one sailor. At the end of the battle, the servant comes up and says, “Before the battle, you said to bring you your red shirt. Why your red shirt?” And the captain says, “Because, if I happen to be shot, and started bleeding, the sailors wouldn’t see the blood and would continue to fight on!” The sailor said, “Oh! That’s brilliant, right there!” The next morning, the guy in the crow’s nest yells, “20 enemy ships ahead!” The captain then said, “Bring me my brown pants!”
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
I've been in Vegas. That's where you get into the money thing. Boy, you get greedy in Vegas, you know. That's the only place that you can bet $25, get it up to $500 and refuse to quit.
In a store I saw that Peanut Butter and jelly in the same jar stuff. What’s the point to that? I’m lazy but... I want to meet the guy who needs that. "I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars."
Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to figure out all the charges on their telephone bill.