Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 245
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
How stupid can you get? Christina must have been thinking about food, thats why she forgot the words. Shes gotten so big. She looks like she could eat Lady GaGa. Great way to get rid of competition.
You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.
I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" Nothing. "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?
Latinos are black, white, brown, beige. What does that say about our ancestors? We'll sleep with anybody!
You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.
Gay people speak each others language in a way that we don’t as heterosexual people. You meet a girl. Initially, you want to fuck her. She don’t want to, because she’s a girl… With gay guys that’s a meeting of the minds. Being gay is like walking into a shoe store and like,"Sir, do you have a size 10?" and the guy says, "They’re all size 10s!"
In a store I saw that Peanut Butter and jelly in the same jar stuff. What’s the point to that? I’m lazy but... I want to meet the guy who needs that. "I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars."
Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.
I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.
In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow - together! And I hadn't done drugs.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.