Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 245
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"
My friend just told me he thought I was easily offended. I just can't believe he said that.
You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it’s the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.
Being a bigger person, whether you're male or female, in entertainment, it can hurt your chances. Because people look to you to be a so-called superstar. Perfect body, perfect figure, good looking, and smart. And larger people, we have to fit in anywhere we can and the best way we can, so to speak. The way the world looks at you at being perfect, and nobody's perfect.
When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.
Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and no!"
I have to lay off dairy though. That's what my doctor threw in. As I was leaving his office, "Oh, and uh, leave off dairy." What kind of blanket sweep is that? "And no more happiness! Away with you!"
I love tea. Mmmm. I know I'm getting old because I'm startin' get excited about tea. Just sitting in the loungeroom bored ya no. Somebody goes "You want a cup of tea?" and I go "Oar he hor." Start feeling a little bit depressed when it gets to the bottom, I think to myself I'll just make myself another cup, I can feel happy again.
I went to Dayton, Ohio, recently. Know what's a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck out, that's what.